grandma shit on top of the toilet
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
