I feel like abortions should bother me more
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
