Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You are the jesus of drinking
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
