Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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