Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
