The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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