you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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