You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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