Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
