When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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