He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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