take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Randomize
