He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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