There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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