I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
