vagina is talking i cant
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
