Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
