I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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