she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
