I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
