he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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