Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
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