life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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