So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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