A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
My feet surprised me
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