you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
