My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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