who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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