i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
