Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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