I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize