Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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