Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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