no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
