Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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