I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize