why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
