if i can run in heels then i can drive
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
