my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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