I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
