I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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