i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
