The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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