Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
