how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize