I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Randomize
