Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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