The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
