in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
