I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
