just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
