I've blown a few things in my day
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm bleeding and have questions
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
