I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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