Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
