God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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