I could make wine with my vomit
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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