you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
