I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
