How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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